“You don’t lose yourself by providing or loaning your grit to someone else. Grit isn’t of a limited quantity; it grows more (for them, for you) the more you use it.”Sheena Jeffers
I have been attending Mindful Mornings meetups once a month for the last few months. I always leave inspired and feeling more connected to my community. This month’s meetup was no different, except it totally was for me.
I have heard this month’s guest speaker, Sheena Jeffers, speak before. She was the final speaker for J&A Racing’s Women’s Camp in 2017. She spoke during the final weeks of selling her belongings before moving onto a sailboat. I loved her message then, so I was so excited to hear what she has been up to for the last two years and how that experience changed her perspective. I didn’t expect to relate so deeply to her experience. I found myself fighting back tears as I saw myself in her story and felt her words pierce my soul.
“…when has loving someone or something ever been a waste of time? When has love been the wrong thing to do? Love is never the wrong thing to do, even when the ending isn’t what you expected.
Find your grit and don’t be afraid to give it to someone else! You don’t lose you, you grow more into you! Never stop loving, ever.”Sheena Jeffers (Facebook post)
For the last year I have been struggling as I navigate the waters of divorce after years of fighting for my marriage. After learning some things about my ex, I was questioning if any part of our “love story” was even real or if I had just been fooled for years. I know that I am a stronger person, because of what I have experienced. I also know that one of the ways I fought the hardest for his love, was by trying to make me a better “me.”
Still, my heart has been haunted wondering why I gave so much of myself to a man who didn’t share the same energy and passion to create a future together.
Have the last few years I spent fighting for our future been a waste?
Have I actually ended up stronger or am I just broken, like my heart feels?
Was I a fool to get married in the first place?
Can I ever open my heart up enough to picture a future with someone else? The idea of being with someone else and allowing myself to trust someone enough to visualize a future with them absolutely terrifies me. I’ve been feeling like since I gave so much to him and it wasn’t enough, maybe it won’t be enough for anyone else.
Sheena took a big risk that took her on a crazy journey full of highs and lows- plus a few down right terrifying situations. Ultimately, her sailing adventure ended when her relationship did. Just because the adventure is over and didn’t have the happy ending that her romantic heart once dreamed about doesn’t mean it was a waste. It absolutely doesn’t mean that she won’t allow herself to continue to say yes to the next adventure.
Sheena’s words haven’t magically taken any of my own doubts and internal struggles, but they have helped me find a little bit of peace and clarity reflecting on my marriage.
Here is a link to the blog post she wrote following her speech. I will be reflecting on this one for awhile as I try to find peace with my own journey and find the strength to (maybe) love again.